Author [ES] [CA] [PL] [PT] [IT] [DE] [FR] [NL] [DK] [NO] [GR] [TR] Topic: A Bit of a Laugh  (Read 13025 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline the burpster

  • Forum Moderator
  • ****
  • Posts: 1031
  • Gender: Male
  • Bike: Explorer - HD XR1200
  • City / Town: Lincolnish
  • Country: UK
Re: A Bit of a Laugh
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2014, 06:54:22 AM »
That's been pinging around Facebook for several weeks........

More than likely another social myth, but very amusing nevertheless......
"Every day you wake up is a good day!"

Offline Griff

  • Explorer God
  • *****
  • Topic Author
  • Posts: 2959
  • Gender: Male
  • Bike: Explorer and others
  • City / Town: Wicklow
  • Country: Ireland
Re: A Bit of a Laugh
« Reply #11 on: June 03, 2014, 08:57:35 AM »
Yep the Wife got it off facebook and I felt a huge obligation to pass it around further.  I also had a borderline incontinent moment when I read it first.  I would never be that quick off the cuff unfortunately.

Offline NiK

  • Explorer God
  • *****
  • Posts: 3335
  • Gender: Male
  • Bike: Red Skin
  • City / Town: Marseille
  • Country: France
Re: A Bit of a Laugh
« Reply #12 on: June 03, 2014, 11:58:38 AM »
While we're at it (well-known, still extremely funny jokes), I can't resist this one:

How to give a cat a pill:

1 - Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2 - Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3 - Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4 - Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5 - Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6 - Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7 - Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8 - Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9 - Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 - Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11 - Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12 - Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13 - Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14 - Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 - Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How to give a dog a pill:

1 - Wrap it in cheese.

Offline Griff

  • Explorer God
  • *****
  • Topic Author
  • Posts: 2959
  • Gender: Male
  • Bike: Explorer and others
  • City / Town: Wicklow
  • Country: Ireland
Re: A Bit of a Laugh
« Reply #13 on: June 03, 2014, 02:14:20 PM »
How to give a cat a pill......  Wife has just come very close to wetting knickers   :745:

Offline Griff

  • Explorer God
  • *****
  • Topic Author
  • Posts: 2959
  • Gender: Male
  • Bike: Explorer and others
  • City / Town: Wicklow
  • Country: Ireland
Re: A Bit of a Laugh
« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2014, 02:22:36 PM »
Hopefully others will contribute to this thread . Nothing like a laugh a day to keep us all in good humour.  Anything at all as long as it is funny.........

Offline Griff

  • Explorer God
  • *****
  • Topic Author
  • Posts: 2959
  • Gender: Male
  • Bike: Explorer and others
  • City / Town: Wicklow
  • Country: Ireland
Re: A Bit of a Laugh
« Reply #15 on: March 26, 2015, 12:44:43 PM »
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

 The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”

 “Eight”, the boy replied.

 The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

 The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

 "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

 "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of   those”

Offline Woodpecker

  • Explorer Pro
  • ***
  • Posts: 255
  • Gender: Male
  • Bike: 1200 explorer
  • City / Town: Isle of Wight
  • Country: England
Re: A Bit of a Laugh
« Reply #16 on: March 26, 2015, 07:02:33 PM »
Give a cat a pill..... Priceless.  :745:

Offline Woodpecker

  • Explorer Pro
  • ***
  • Posts: 255
  • Gender: Male
  • Bike: 1200 explorer
  • City / Town: Isle of Wight
  • Country: England
Re: A Bit of a Laugh
« Reply #17 on: March 26, 2015, 07:28:57 PM »
An old couple were laid in bed one night when the woman says to her husband, I'd like to spice up our love life, we've been together so long now I think we could live out a few fantasies.
Raising an eyebrow the husband says, fantasies never knew you had those what on earth do you fantasise about.
Oh I'd love you to tie me to the bed during a thunder storm, and make passionate love to me, and as I'm powerless to resist you then you can do do whatever you like.
The husband thinks for a moment, then says we could wait for ages for a thunder storm, but I have an idea. He runs downstairs and there's an almighty commotion as he returns upstairs. He enters the bedroom with a ball of twine and proceeds to tie his wife to the bed. He then disappears outside again.
His wife again hears a lot of crashing and banging, then the husband shouts I'm just getting prepared.
He re-enters the bedroom wearing a sowester and oil skins, clutching a dustbin and a watering can.
What on earth are you up to shouts the wife, why wait for thunder he cries.
The old boy then starts banging the dustbin, flicking the lights on and off and says what do you recon thunder and lightening, the intensity of the situation increased and his wife began to get turned on, he then started to sprinkle water from the watering can over his wife, all the time banging loudly on the dustbin, flicking the lights on and off
After about 20 minutes the wife says ohh come on George this is so good are you going to have your wicked way with me????
George then replies WHAT in this F***ing weather!!!!!

Offline TigerCub

  • Explorer Master
  • ****
  • Posts: 657
  • Gender: Male
  • Bike: Explorer XC
  • City / Town: Exeter
  • Country: England
Re: A Bit of a Laugh
« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2015, 08:40:57 PM »
so anyway, dad tells the little lad that his older brother is getting engaged to be married

"what does engaged mean, dad"?  says the lad

"it's a promise to marry his girlfriend" says dad

"how is it different to being married,dad"?

"well it's different in that he can't do things that he can when he's married"

"I don't understand" says the lad with a confused look on his face

"Ok, I'll try to explain in a way you might understand" says dad.

"remember last year, you got a new bicycle for Christmas, but I told you that you were not allowed to ride it until Easter"? "Well that's what being engaged  is like"

"yes dad I remember  :013:  I hated having to wait for so long."

"but then I remember you did allow me to push it up the back passage a few times  :002: "



ex-Tex after under a year

Offline isb

  • Explorer Pro
  • ***
  • Posts: 478
  • Gender: Male
  • Bike: 2013 Explorer
  • City / Town: Hell
  • Country: USA
Re: A Bit of a Laugh
« Reply #19 on: March 27, 2015, 02:11:08 AM »
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer?

One sings "Hey you, get offa my cloud"

The other shouts " Hey McLoud, get offa ma ewe"
Cheers, Ian

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who think there are two kinds of people, and those that don't.

 


Recent Topics